now i know how it feels

I think i don't have to say, you guys can see my blog has already become an emo blog ya...wahahhaa...
hope you guys will understand..wahahha...i also want to smile and laugh from the heart just like before..have my life back where i was happy go lucky and have no worries at all..but i doubt i will get a life like that again not for the time being anyway...

i remembered once that a friend told me that he is a different person from who he was before one of his very close family member passed on..
then, i never thought something like that would change anyone..
i never thought that it would be so hard to just get back to normal life..
i never thought it would effect one's life style so strongly...
but now i understand,
now i understand how they feel,
how the heart just ache,
how all the memories just come flooding back,
how sometimes his face becomes blur,
how sometimes u try to remember his voice but you cant,
how all the little things he said that you never even cared become so important
how the touch of his hand on your shoulder becomes so precious
how you long for the phone on the other side was him...

It is the 7th week now,
and still cannot get myself to look back at the pictures we had together
everyday i look at the picture in my purse and tears come rolling out uncontrollable...
and still cannot listen to the songs he loved so much
once it plays, the memories of him singing in his broken voice and the tapping of his feet,
just makes me switch the player off....
even playing Jay Chou will remind me of how he would say " ha mi gua a ne(what kind of song is that) "
sometimes talking to other people, just mentioning about my papa i can feel the twist in the heart..
the other day i was in crown casino with my daddy(god father), and we meet some of his old pals there, and they ask him were is Kenny..right then my heart just stop , sometimes it even trembles...

without him my life is changed,
i can't feel the security i always had when he was around
i always imagine him at my graduation clapping only when i go on stage and snoring all the way through hahhaahaha....
i always imagine him asking me how was first day of work, making me chia him eat siaw bee..
him planning my wedding, being more excited than me,
there to pick a name for his grandchildren and waiting for his turn to curdle them....
without him, my adviser is gone
how am i going to win the battles in my life??

i never really had to make decisions on anything,
when i am in dilemma, he will always come out with a perfect plan for me,
but now i guess i really have to grow up and make own steps...

sometimes i am really scared,
the path ahead is not only not paved anymore but a heavy fog is hanging over it,
making it even harder to see what is ahead,
hopefully the sun will come out soon and make everything better...

sometimes when i look in the mirror
i really hate myself,
i hate my face,
i hate my movements,
i hate the way i eat,
the way i walk,
because i know when my mum sees me,
she will see him...

I lost my father and my mum lost her husband,
It is already so hard for us to cope with it...
i really don't know how people who lost their love ones in accidents or in the war can cope with it...

Dilemma...wanna help me choose?

Having a dilemma lately...
I don't know if i should go home in June or November.
So friends out there help me make a decision!!

There are 2 scenarios

1. Go Home

The main point of me going home is to accompany my mum. As most of you know what had happen at home i am sure you know why it is important for me to accompany my mum.
Secondly, going home i can meet up with friends and of course not to forget the food!!
Lastly, i want to get away from winter!!

2. Stay in Aussie

If staying back in Melbourne, was thinking of getting my driving license and look for a job, cause i want to start before uni to get use to working.
Might be going winter camp and skiing if staying back.
If i go home, i got to buy another ticket back and the point is i will be going back in November again!! So its kind of wasted going back after less than half a year. Going back in November is hopefully i can get a internship back in Kuching plus accompany my mum.

SO...how??
I think No.2 sounds more convincing but i called my mum the other say and ask her.
Usually if it was something to do with going home she would just say up to you but her answer was different. she said come home la!

Well...if i pick no.2, i feel selfish and bad cause i will let my mum down but i am not young anymore. My uni life is half gone!! Don't know if i will still have the chance to do the things that i can do if i stay back.

OOppss!! forgot to add...i will be going to Jay chou concert if staying back at Melbourne!!..
Just to add additional info...
my exam should end around 26 June latest and class starts on 20 July(but can come a back a day or 2 later la, dont care)...

SO please help me....give me comments, and would be your which your choice.

幸福點點名遊戲 tagged by Janet

幸福點點名遊戲規則回答下列問題，並貼到自己的網誌or報台寫完後，自己多加一個問題然後傳給十個人，可以點被點過的人，被你點到的人你要去跟他說，我點到你了。寫完後去跟點到你的人說「我寫完了」不可以不寫喔，不然幸福就會跑掉喔~

1.我的大名 : 余侑珊
2.我的生日 : 08/01/89
3.誰傳給你的 : Janet
4.說出五個好朋友 : kimdu, Jin, Bebe, Bee hoon, Ah Ling, many more...
5.生日想要得到什麼禮物 : birthdays are meaningless to me now
6.近期開心的是 : don‘t have anything 开心
7.近期壓力大的是 : definitely
8.未來想做什麼:a successful woman in both family and career
9.有沒有喜歡的人 : 没有
10.同學會要回去找老師嗎 : yeah
11.跟誰出去最幸福 : 一大群朋友
12.如果你的兩個好友吵架了 : help to make peace
13.跟情人出去最想去哪 : if got, anywhere with him would already be great
14.聖誕節要做啥 : 与家人吃大餐
15.最想跟誰過聖誕節 : 家人和朋友
16.有沒有起床气 : what's that?
17.有幾個兄弟姐妹 : 2姐姐1妹妹
18.最喜歡的一首歌(女生的) : Hate that i love you
19.最喜歡的一首歌(男生的) : I wanna go home
20.喜歡什麼顏色 : 红，黑
21.上廁所會不會先沖水 : of course
22.愛不愛我 : 那个我 is who?
23.喜歡男生還是女生 : guy la!!
24.最想大聲說什麼 :
25.半夜敢不敢自己上廁所 : i am not 3
26.上廁所會不會脫褲褲 : stupid question
27.誰很欠打 : Dono wo...
28.現在很迷什麼 : nope
29.睡相很差 : dono wo.. sleeping how i know how i sleep
30.現在的時間 : 下午3时30分
31.是否痛恨傳給你點卷的人 : sometimes!! lazy ma...
32.體重多少 : whalau!! secret la..
33.今天天氣 : 晴
34.你懷孕了嗎 : hmm...my tummy is getting bigger n bigger..maybe...no la!!
35.你若中樂透最想做什么 : huh?
36.大學生一定要玩的活動 : sleep late, wake up late..
37.如果能為彩虹添加一種顏色你選: why want ler? leave it as it is

【點名人物】
1. I Sun
2. Jin Jin
3. Bee Hoon
4. Penny
5. Dewi
6. Sylvia
7. Chee ding
8. Wan yi
9. Kai lun
10. George

01-【４號Penny認識６號Sylvia嗎】：yup
02-【１０號George是男還是女】：i think is boy
03-【 ８號wan yi的興趣是】：drawing i think
04-【１I Sun號有沒有兄弟姐妹】：有啦~ 3 sisters
05-【７號chee ding姓氏】： Ling
06-【１０號George人緣好嗎】：should be ok la
07-【４號Penny有人追嗎】：Got boyfriend lo
08-【承上２號Jin呢】：hmm....private answer ler
09-【６號Slyvia喜歡的顏色是】：dono wo
10-【３號Bee hoom和１０號George是朋友嗎】：yeah
11-【８號wan yi的生日是】：19 June
12-【５號Dewi讀哪呢】：Indonesia
13-【你怎麼認識１０號George的】: Band
14-【你跟１號I Sun的生日差幾個月】：16 months and 22 days
15-【你和９號kai lun有出去玩過嗎】：lots of times
16-【你喜歡和２號Kimdu聊天嗎】：yup..cause she will only oink oink
17-【你喜歡和３號Bee hoon在一起嗎】：yeah..that is why we hang out a lot
18-【你覺得７號Chee ding人怎樣】：good guy, but long time no see him so mayb change
19-【你覺得９號 Kai lun人怎麼樣】：never update blog de!!
20-【你愛５號Dewi嗎】：erm... love is not a word to describe

1.是誰傳給你這份問卷的 : Janet
2.你們認識多久呢 : 6 years
3.你覺得他(她)對你來說很重要嗎 : yeah
4.你與他(她)的關係是 :Friend
5.請問他(她)的興趣是 : animation
6.你覺得他(她)的個性如何 : crazy
7.他(她)在你心目中是幾分 :base on what ler?


---------------------------------------------------------------

＊睡覺前第一件事 : brush teeth
＊起床前第一件事 : press snooze
＊你的偶像是 : no one
＊你喜歡的季節 : spring
＊你打工過嗎 : yeah
＊打工次數 : 2
＊你想去的國家 : lots of places
＊你討厭什麼樣的個性 : too lazy and getting anti social
＊你常哭嗎 : sometimes, yes recently
＊你常笑嗎 : sometime before, no recently
＊去玩時喜歡一個人去嗎 : not really
＊是假日時你都睡到幾點 : not more than 9
＊今天的天氣是（晴 雨 陰）: 晴
＊朋友和情人你會選擇 : Friend
＊機會和命運你會選擇 : chances i think..sometimes i think 命运is just an excuse
＊你很自戀嗎 : got to ask my friends that
＊這問卷多不多 : a lot
＊要怎樣才能讓自己過的好一點 : get myself out of depression and get back on the track i once was on
＊喜欢吃什么 : no favorites, as long as its nice and edible
＊喜歡吃冰嗎 : not really
＊現在幸福嗎 : dono how 幸福 feels like
＊最在乎哪幾個朋友 : friends i knew back home
＊房間裡最重要的東西是什麼 : my pig and pillow and laptop
＊最常夢到什麼 : forget them when i wake up
＊男人精神出軌要不要原諒他 : hmm...depends
＊你认为人生的意义是什么 : building up a good family
＊你知道吗？（看你们怎么回答！）: know what?
＊什么时候最讨厌我 : huh? who is 我？
＊向往出世抑或入世，向往道家抑或儒家？ :what is this??
＊你喜欢吃什么蛋糕？ : sometimes
＊请问这个游戏可以停止了吗？ : yeah
＊喜欢沙丁鱼吗^^？ : nope
＊谁是你的知己？ : what is that?
＊IQ/EQ哪一个比较高？ : erm..dono ler i think both low
＊電腦还是手機？ : both la
＊比较喜欢睡觉还是玩？ : sleep
＊Friendster 还是 Facebook ? : Facebook
＊What is your cellphone model? : some sony ericsson
＊Missing someone ? : yeah
＊重色轻友吗？: maybe..dono

Smell

A friend of mine told me this incident that happen to her a few weeks ago
this is how it goes...

She lives in an apartment on th 6th floor along Latrobe street.
She herself is from HK and her housemate is from Korea.
So that night her housemate bought some durian and they enjoyed themselves at home eating.
After that, my friend went for a shower and her housemate prepared to go to bed.
Suddenly the buzzer at their door began to ring, and when her roommate pick up, a man on the other side told them to quickly get out of the building...they were evacuating the whole building!!
my poor showering friend quickly put on some clothes and a jacket and she was out of the door..
at the doorway they meet their neighbor (ang mo) and her son pulling a huge bag. The son press the lift button and his mum screamed at him "take the stairs!! do you want to die!"
So down were all the residents of the building, with 3 fireman trucks and an ambulance.
They were all standing out in the cold in the middle of the night not knowing what was happening. Then, the fireman told them they suspect a gas leakage.
After 2 hours in the cold, they still could not find the source of the leakage,they were only sure that the source was somewhere in the 5th to 7th floor as the smell was really strong there. So they did not have a choice and their next move was to call the gas company.
Before that happen, my friend felt weird, she thought they live in the 6th floor, so it might be their apartment. So they gave the fireman permission to enter their apartment and search.
and sure enough it was their apartment with the gas leakage!!!

So after everything was settled and all the residents were given an explanation everyone went back to bed..

Guess what??!! the gas leakage was actually the smell of the DURIAN!!

So be careful when you eat durain especially in overseas...tell your neighbours before you eat it!!

Stupid note

Was feeling rather down today
so thought i turn away from my work
and start facebooking..

Saw that i was tag in a few notes..
so decided to spent my time there
at least i can answer them without having to think much..

Just posted 2 out of the 3 notes..
was going to the do the 3rd note about 100 truth.
but when i was half way there
one question struck me and i couldn't answer
i didn't know how to answer...
My friend's answer to that question was 5 minutes ago..
seems easy, just put time there...
but i just didn't know what to type
so decide to not do the note and get off facebook..
Bad idea of doing the note..
make the clouds in me turn into a storm..

the question was,when was the last time you saw your father?