now i know how it feels

I think i don't have to say, you guys can see my blog has already become an emo blog ya...wahahhaa...
hope you guys will understand..wahahha...i also want to smile and laugh from the heart just like before..have my life back where i was happy go lucky and have no worries at all..but i doubt i will get a life like that again not for the time being anyway...

i remembered once that a friend told me that he is a different person from who he was before one of his very close family member passed on..
then, i never thought something like that would change anyone..
i never thought that it would be so hard to just get back to normal life..
i never thought it would effect one's life style so strongly...
but now i understand,
now i understand how they feel,
how the heart just ache,
how all the memories just come flooding back,
how sometimes his face becomes blur,
how sometimes u try to remember his voice but you cant,
how all the little things he said that you never even cared become so important
how the touch of his hand on your shoulder becomes so precious
how you long for the phone on the other side was him...

It is the 7th week now,
and still cannot get myself to look back at the pictures we had together
everyday i look at the picture in my purse and tears come rolling out uncontrollable...
and still cannot listen to the songs he loved so much
once it plays, the memories of him singing in his broken voice and the tapping of his feet,
just makes me switch the player off....
even playing Jay Chou will remind me of how he would say " ha mi gua a ne(what kind of song is that) "
sometimes talking to other people, just mentioning about my papa i can feel the twist in the heart..
the other day i was in crown casino with my daddy(god father), and we meet some of his old pals there, and they ask him were is Kenny..right then my heart just stop , sometimes it even trembles...

without him my life is changed,
i can't feel the security i always had when he was around
i always imagine him at my graduation clapping only when i go on stage and snoring all the way through hahhaahaha....
i always imagine him asking me how was first day of work, making me chia him eat siaw bee..
him planning my wedding, being more excited than me,
there to pick a name for his grandchildren and waiting for his turn to curdle them....
without him, my adviser is gone
how am i going to win the battles in my life??

i never really had to make decisions on anything,
when i am in dilemma, he will always come out with a perfect plan for me,
but now i guess i really have to grow up and make own steps...

sometimes i am really scared,
the path ahead is not only not paved anymore but a heavy fog is hanging over it,
making it even harder to see what is ahead,
hopefully the sun will come out soon and make everything better...

sometimes when i look in the mirror
i really hate myself,
i hate my face,
i hate my movements,
i hate the way i eat,
the way i walk,
because i know when my mum sees me,
she will see him...

I lost my father and my mum lost her husband,
It is already so hard for us to cope with it...
i really don't know how people who lost their love ones in accidents or in the war can cope with it...